I COULD NOT ACCEPT THE LOSS OF MY SON ,COULD

NOT USE THE "D" WORD. REALITY WAS TOO PAINFUL.

I COPED BY PRETENDING HE WAS STIIL AWAY AT

COLLEGE. WHEN THOUGHTS OF HIM CAME INTO MY HEAD
I PICTURED HANDS PUSHING THEM AWAY,PUSHING THEM
AWAY..IT TOOKS YEARS BEFORE AND COUOLD SAY "DIED"
THAT IS HOWM I SURVIVED THE OVERWHELMING LOSS OF
MY ONLY CHILD

By shari on Saturday, October 04, 2003 - 04:05 am: Edit

i understand

i keep thinking my fiance is away at work or in another room. its been a week and a half since his passing and he .. he is still here in my mind, just slightly out of view

By Jim Cholewinski on Saturday, October 04, 2003 - 10:36 am: Edit

My Sharon's tumor was virtually nonexistant. All the chemo therapies had been going well. Sharon and I were so filled with hope and looking forward to the future. We were shopping together, buying her new shoes and clothes. I bet Lorie and Shari you can't believe Sharon and I were shopping together. I can't believe it either. I never did it before. Everything was so so full of hope. Then, BOOM! No more white blood cells and my beautiful girlfriend and BEST FRIEND was gone. I wondered through the house feeling this is not real. This is not happening. Sharon will be back soon. In our 20 years of marriage, I was only away from her 4 times,never more than a week at a time. Counting the 1 year before our marriage we were always together, 21 years. I still feel her presence.

By shari on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 02:20 am: Edit

Jim, i'm so glad you had such a close relationship with her. and there is nothing wrong with two people who love each other going out and doing things together.

By Celest on Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 08:08 pm: Edit

I Promice i'll be home early,i need to plow and were short handed as it is,i'll be home early I promice,then i'll finish up the Door frame. I promice.I promice kept playing over and over in my head when my phone rang a few hours later thinking it was my Husband who was going to tell me he would be late rather a voice on the other end asked me if I was Mrs .. then told me my Husband had a Heat Attack and to come down to the Hospitol to identify him.SHOCK? I'm not sure what I felt the day's,week's following..it was like something inside me died,I walked.talked,ate but felt nothing just an empty hole in my Heart. I was awear of my Friends warm words but i didn't care,they wern't my Husbands words or touch. I waited for someone,any to tell me this was all a joke,and he was going to come home soon ..i knew deep down though this was not so...but yet i had a spark in my Heart thinking that it may be true.

Several months have passed and the reality of my loss has hit. This happened the day i had to stand on my own and make an important decision about my Life and realized i needed to go on.

A part of me will always feel this emptyness,but after 36 years of Marriage,one thing i know and that is we cared and loved one another enough to see each other thru our problems,and i know this is one thing my Husband would want me to do now for myself.

I know he's watching over me and some day will be togather again.

By Victory on Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 10:10 pm: Edit

((((((Celest))))))
They live on in our hearts until that day when
we will have a beautiful reunion with them.

By Tommie Jo on Thursday, October 09, 2003 - 07:33 pm: Edit

Its been 11 months since my life partner passed. That day is burned in my memory. I always had a fear that I wouldn't be there when Jim died. God was shining on our lives that day. I had come home from work. We drank our coffee together as usual and then it happened. A massive heart attack. I did all I could to save him. I feel I had a fight with God and God won. I had to let him go. I am thankful for the years we had together and that I was with him those last few hours. Times I'll alawy treasure that time. I feel his presence and sometimes his hand on my shoulder. I know he's still with me and helping me through. He won't leave me until he knows I'll be okay.

By Lorretta Curry on Sunday, November 02, 2003 - 07:52 pm: Edit

hello, the day was September 22,2003; it was like a seen from a movie or the TV; the knock came at my door informing me that my son was in a hit and run but I thought broken bones...i drove myself to the hospital with my 2 younger children. I ran to the door of the Emergency room...they lead me into a room but my son was not there. the person from the medical examier said that they believed my son was in a hit and run and that one of the victims was dead. The shock hit and I started to cry....soon I had to do what is a parents nightmare and identify my deceased sons body...It still seems so unreal...My dear son on his way to seminary ( a religion class - a hour before school) and he was murdered....then I had to inform my minor children and the disbelief. Then other family members and I had to tell his girlfriend....and now I sit here all alone

By Lindsey on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 10:28 pm: Edit

(((((Loretta))))) i'm so sorry. I'm not going to say i know how u feel b/c when my best friend died a yr ago (we were only 12) that was the 1 thing i hated the most, was to hear some1 say "i know how u feel" b/c they DON'T know how u feel. I like u, didn't think anything like death, then i also had to tell her boyfriend. It will get easier, i know it seems like it never will and it never really does, u will always think about ur son, but just think of the good times, that's what helped me.

By Audreyc on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 11:10 am: Edit

Hi Loretta , You must never think you are alone in your grief and loss, You have reached out to others that are also greiving the loss of a precious person and understand exactly what it is like, Hold tight to the hands that are reaching out to you from this site,You will find a lot of understanding and love for each other here, I hope as each day comes it will be a little easier for you .It is a rocky road that we are walking with a lot of big holes in it When you need help to climb out of one of those holes then remember folks are here to help you to climb back out.They have helped me, Keep on posting, Don't be alone in your grief,(((((Hugs))))

By diane conmy on Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:42 am: Edit

Hi Everyone,
Loretta I feel as you do, the shock is so powerful, it really protects us from feeling the devestation all at once, because if we did we to would be gone and that is the last thing our loved ones need to deal with. I reach out my hand as so many of you have done for me since my comingon to this site 2 weeks ago. Erica died on July 14th, though she was hit by the Amtrak on the 8th. She was alone in her friend's car in Kalamazoo Michigan, she lived there with her brother, my 22 year old. They were very close. I spolke with her 30 minutes prior to her being hit. She was in a glorius mood, I told her I bouhgt her a new skirt, she asked excitedly if it was pink, and I said of-course. She asked if I would mail it to her as I live where she and her brother grew up, Oak Park Illinois. I said i would. Instead she wore it at her wake and funeral. Thirty minutes after I spoke with Erica, my precious 19 year old was hit, and then her car hit another, thankfully not hurting anybody. When the two football players in the hit car ran to her car and opened the door, they said the car was filled with light. Her soul was hanging about waiting for all of us to be able to say goodbye. The phone call that evening, "Are you the mother of ERica Reith?" I will never forget knowing then that life would never return to what it was.
It never will, but I do have hope, that in her memory, that in her honor, I must go out each day and smile at the children I teach, I must continue to take my walks in the woods to surround myself with the magic of God's work. Someday we will hold our babies again and only then will we understand why they left so soon. May God bless us all with the knowledge and strength to carry on in the light of our loved ones.
dee

By mcfal on Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 08:55 pm: Edit

Hello to all of you

I guess shock is what I have been in since January 16th. I kissed my Joe at 8am and left for work as I had been doing for the past 5 years. Joe was being treated for a blood disorder and a neurothpay. He called me that day at 4 PM and wanted to talk with me he had gone to the Doctor with my daughter earlier that day. Said he was fine I told hime I love you hon but I got to go he said ok Ilove you too and hung up. At 5pm my daughter called and said to meet her at the emergency room she called an ambulance she had found Joe not breathing. As I was rushing to the hospital I received a call from Joe's Doctor He told me Joe had full blown multiple myeloma and it would be a mircle if he makes it throught the night. Talk about shock none of us were ever told Joe had cancer, he was never treated for cancer. I told the Doctor what are you talking about, the next thing I knew I was in the emergency room by Joe's side/ He was in a coma. My children were all at his side. Even then I was in deniel. It can't be true hes gonna make it. At 8:15 pm Joe passed away. I have been num from that point on. It is now the holiday season and all I see in my mind is 38years married and all our wonderful memories, Joe's laugh,warmth, kindness I can go on endlessly. Peace,love and may your pain be out weighted by loving memories of your loved one.
marie from new york city

By diane conmy on Thursday, December 11, 2003 - 11:12 pm: Edit

Oh mcfal, I sincerely wish you never heard of this website, that life could continue the way it was but since it can not, I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers as you approach this holiday with a heavy heart. I am glad that you had a kind and loving man for the years you did and I am sure he is smiling on you now,each day. Bless you and may the holidays hold some magic.
dee

By Ginny Godfrey on Saturday, December 13, 2003 - 01:21 am: Edit

To everyone who has posted on this web site , Thank you for sharing your pain. Does'nt that sound stupid. But I am better since finding this site and reading each of your posts. I am not alone in my grief. I am not alone in my feelings of isolation. Sometimes in the depths of hell. Only to awake tommorow and relive the nitemare of losing someone we love so dearly over and over again. There are days and I mean most days when I wish it were all a Bad dream. I want to go back in time when all was well and we thought it wasn.t I want to reach out and bring My sister back by my side and tell her how much she meant to me. To enjoy her laughter to listen to her stories to savor each and every moment we had to share. People say I will get over it, But I never will because how can you erase someone you love so dearly and never speak thier name, as though they never were here with us.I have learned so much since her car accident on the full moon nite May 22nd 2002. I feel like it is ground hog day and I never get past the phone call in the middle of the nite,saying Debbie is DEAD. No matter how long time passes no matter how I ache to hear her voice,My heart is so empty, my soul is shattered. I don't know how to go forward for then I have to say it's true. I am sorry to reach out like this but no one I know seems to understand. Bless you each and everyone who travels this path , I know we all will have to come to this bend in life's road, but where do we go from here? Ginny

By diane conmy on Sunday, December 14, 2003 - 12:03 am: Edit

Dear Ginny,
My heart aches for you, and I agree with you, that i have become stronger because o fthis place, this site, not becuase we want anyone to grieve, but because it is inevitable now. Your sister needs you to go forward similiar to the way you would want her to if the situation had been reversed. The love of her life is I am sure equal to her love for yours, so now you have tolive it for you and in her honor and in her memory, live it fully. I had a professor not toolong ago that said in dealing with deep sadness, you put one foot in front of theother and with each painful step you realize you are making an effort, you are making a difference in your life. It may sound simplistic, however it is empowering, it is true. Your relationship wi;th; your sister sounds like mine with my two sisters, and I know what i mean to them as well. Live fully. My daughter died July 14th, 5 months ago tomorrow, she was 19, her policy was to live life out loud. She did, but it was short. So now what do I do? I must live mylife oout loud, see her in the beauty of each day and ask her to help me put one foot in front of the other because some days that is harder than others. She is gone from your sight, not your heart, nor your memory, nor your spirit. Be well Ginny .....dee

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, December 16, 2003 - 03:17 pm: Edit

Dear Diane, Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry about your daughter.Most people would agree that losing your child is the absolute worst thing to happen in our life. 5 months is so fresh so raw. I will pray for you and your family and keep you in my heart. How did she die? If you are like me, I should say like most of us,it was just a normal day when it started then the call...the nitemare begins. I have a son who is 19yrs. Everyday I pray he comes home safely. What I have learned from all of this is that that road has come to pass. The pain will never go away, but maybe the darkness will. Thank You so much. God Bless Ginny Godfrey

By Leigh West on Thursday, December 18, 2003 - 09:43 am: Edit

On November 6,2002 I came home from work just like any other day, When I pulled into the Diveway I looked down at my Moms house which was next door to mine and her front door was open, I thought to my self that it was stange that her door was open at this time of day it was about 6pm and very cold and that was unusal because she was a cold natured person. My husband was standing in front of my house talking to the neighbor. He said that he was on his way over to my moms to check on her because her door was open and he also thought that was unusal, when the neighbor stopped him, I told him that I would go check on her, I remeber walking to her door and looking in and she was in her recliner which is where she sat all the time, and I thought to my self she feel asleep with the door open, I said to are you sleeping, and she didnt answer, I walked over to her and I remember that she looked strange, I think deep inside I knew she was gone , because the whole time I was walking over there I kept watching her chest to see if it was moving,but I had to try and wake her up. When I touched her she was cold, very cold and I remember shaking her arm and I just started Screaming,the next thing I remember the police had me outside asking me all these questions,evedently my husband and neighbor heard me scream and came running they said when they got there I was shaking and shaking my moma trying to get her to wake up. My Mom had never been sick a day in her life and was very active, but it was determined that she had a massive heart attack and died within seconds, they said if I had been standing right next to her there was nothing I could have done. After the shock wore off it was just a numb feeling it was like that thru the funeral and for days after,when the numbness wore off it was relpaced by pain,and eventhough its been over a year the pain is still there, I miss my moma so much, I went to her for everthing, and still everytime something happens good or bad for a split second I think Ive got to call moma and tell her, she will know what to do.For the longest time after her death everytime I closed my eyes I saw her laying in that chair,and still now there are times when I dream about that day,and I have a very hard time going into her house still, all I see is her in that chair. Everyone tells me it takes a very long time to get over a death of someone you are so close to, and sometimes I tell myself get over this you have to go on, but I cant, I know that my moma is in heaven, but I want her here with me, I feel like a 36 year old orphan, like I have no one. When will this stop.

By Janie on Friday, December 19, 2003 - 08:14 pm: Edit

Dear Leigh,
I lost my mom November 25, 2002. My parents live about an hour and a half away from me. My mom had showed some dementia earlier in the year. The doctor put her on an Alzheimer's med, even though he really didn't think she had alzheimers. She was 74 but so active in church and the community before that. Around Sept the doctor made her quit driving, she couldn't seem to get it together and we were afraid she'd get lost or have a bad wreck. She was miserable sitting around the house and having to depend on my dad or someone else to take her anywhere. After several months offalling, forgetfullness and mood swings, she finally seemed to be getting better. On the Sunday before she passed away on Monday, she actually called me and sounded just like my mom except she was very short of breath. She was in good spirits and seemed much better. On Monday morning, my dad called me to say he was taking her to the doctor because she had been up nauseated and vomiting all night, thinking it was an increase in her med, I told my dad to call me as soon as they got home from the doctor. I had hurt my back on Friday before so I was on the couch. I fell asleep and woke up suddenly around 11:00am and hadn't heard from my dad. I sorta panicked, tried to call them but no one was home. Twenty minutes later, my dad called and said "I've lost her, she's gone Janie"! I got sick!! I ask him what he meant. He said he ended up having to call an ambulance to come get her because she came out of the bathroom after bathing and was a "bad" color. He helped her get dressed and get her shoes on and but that time the ambulance was there. They put her in the ambulance and started up the street. My dad had told them not to turn the lights and sirens on because it made my mom nervous. (She didn't want to go to the hospital before now) As he was getting into his car, he heard the ambulance sirens come on. By the time he got to the hospital, she was gone. She had quit breathing in the ambulance and died before they got her to the hospital. She either had a dissected aorta or a massive MI. I am an only child and feel like an orphan as well. My dad is 87 and independent. I worry about him. He's been so depressed this year but his doctor put him on a new med which has helped considerably. He lives alone and refuses to come live with us.

I know my mom is in heaven and look forward to the day that I get to see her again! That's the only thing that gives me peace. I miss her terribly and this Christmas has been tough! Reality set in that she wouldn't be at any of the kids or our Christmas programs. There won't be anymore of her candy or fudge or party mix this Christmas. I've missed not having her to talk to this year about lots of things. I've had several medical problems this year and she hasn't been there at those times "I needed my mama!". My husband and kids have been great but at 42y/o, there are days "mommys need mommys"!

((((Hugs))))
Janie

By Ginny Godfrey on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 10:42 am: Edit

((((DIANE CONMY)))HELP!...Dear Diane, Today is a really hard one. I am feeling so empty and lost. I can't stop crying, my whole world is crashing in on me. I don't know what to do. I am feeling like ending it all I don't think I have the strength to go on. I am so tired so lonely and empty inside. I can.t see the lite I can't feel the hope. It seems everything I do means nothing. There is no support or love in my home just angry hateful people. I just want to die too. Why so much pain WHY? Please someone help me. Ginny Godfrey

By Been there on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 01:06 pm: Edit

Hi I'm not Diane,but just hang in there Ginny.I promise you it will get better.All of us on this board have felt the way you are feeling. it takes time and alot of pain but you will make it.Trust me.It if takes it get somewhere by yourself and just tell God how exactly you feel and just let it out ,talk to him like he is right there with you and ask him to help you and you will be surprised at how much better you will feel,not estatic but calmer and more at peace.

By joyand on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 01:19 pm: Edit

Ginny,

Hang in there!! I feel your pain, lately it seems as though everything I look at , hear or think of reminds me of my sweet 12 year old son. Kyle passed away on September 28, 2003 and the past week has seemed like I have water facets for eyes, I can't stop crying. I am so emotional and my heart aches. I am lucky to have a loving husband and 3 other wonderful children, but it still hurts. Keep prayer in your heart and try to stay close go Heavenly Father. I understand about feeling empty and not knowing where to turn. We can only be thankful that we have each other to lean on! My love and prayers go out to you!!

Love,

Joy Lippo

By Ginny Godfrey on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 08:27 pm: Edit

Dear Been there ,and Joy, THANKS for answering. I'm still here but not feeling to much better. I kept busy all day trying to numb myself. I sometimes wonder why one day it seems a little better then the next for no reason Wham it knocks you right down again. Sometimes worse than the begining. I read all the posts and I am not happy to see others hurt as much, but find comfort in the arms of strangers, more than anyone here in my house ever could. They say I am going crazy, dwelling on it to much. God why can't they understand. They say I NEED TO GET OVER IT! If I hear that one more time I will scream. I only hope to someday find the peace at the end of the day and the darkness disappears. Thank you for holding me up another day. I'm so sorry for your losses too. Doesn't it seem that only good hearted people seem to lose the ones we love most. It seems the rest of the hard noses just get to complain about a bad hair day and where's the remote! Just venting, Sorry.I think I just need someone to understand and thanks to GROWW survive another rollercoaster ride. Who ever said that was so right. Up and Down. I never did like rides. Thanks again, my heart goes out to both of you. You know you have probably saved a Life. Lots of Love! Ginny Godfrey

By Lost on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 10:40 pm: Edit

(((((((((((Ginny)))))))))))

I am holding you close. I am sorry this day is so hard for you. I am sorry for the loss of your sister - Debbie. Tell God how you feel about being angry cause his shoulders are big enough to carry the world's feelings.

For me, I have learned that when people say get over it they either don't care about how I feel or they just dont know what to say. So to them saying to get over it is in their mind something helpful. I think it is just so wrong to say that cause they do not know what we are feeling & going thru.

Please do not end it all. So many people need you & love you. If we all stand by each other we & support each other we can make it. You have been there to help me & so I would like to help you. I will be praying for you. Please take care of yourself. God is with you.

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 07:02 pm: Edit

Dear Lost, Thanks for answering. Sometimes I find myself near the edge. I get so overwhelmed by it all. I thought I heard her laugh yesterday but I know it was wishful thinking. When you turn around she"s not there. Christmas was her favorite time of year. I really miss how when she entered a room she was always bringing laughter with her. I miss calling her when I needed guidance without judgement then talking most of the nite about nothing at all. We just seemed to fit. I miss her understanding and support. I even miss the smell of her cigarette's. Even though I complained about it when she was here. I use to tell her that they would be the death of her. Jokes on me. She use to say the doctor says I have the lungs of a 20 yr. old. She fun she was happy, she spoke her mind, And as Diane would say about her daughter, SHE LIVED LIFE OUTLOUD! God I miss her. Thanks for listening, It helps just to remember. I hope you are doing better. I feel like I have new friends. Again everyone, THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING. God Bless and Take care, Ginny Godfrey

By Betty C. on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 06:33 pm: Edit

My name is Betty, and we lost our 38 year old daughter, Kim, on May 25, 2002. Although it has been a little over a year and a half, my heart still aches so and there are days when I just don't want to go on living myself. She was the baby of he family, and her death was so sudden and
and unexpected-- and tho we have three other adult children, whom we love dearly, my heart aches so because our Kim has gone away. I seem to have lost the Faith I felt was so strong for so many years -- I cannot understand why this happened when she had so much to live for. I keep reading books, like "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", and "No Pat Ansswers", seeking to find some meaning in our loss --- but Ijust have more and more unanswered questions. I don't know where to turn -- and my heart is so heavy. Kim loved the Holiday Season --and she brought so much joy and sunshine into our lives. If only I could KNOW that it as only hr body which died -- and one day I WILL see her again, and be able to hug her, hug her, and tell her again how very much we al loved her. Thanks for allowing me to post here.

By Nellie501,Tims Mom on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 09:27 pm: Edit

Hello Betty.
My heart aches for your pain.
I just had my 3rd Christmas without my 19 yr old son, Tim. I understand all your pain about losing faith, asking why, and the ache that just won't stop.
My heart felt like a rock for such a long time- now, after almost 3 years, it just feels like bread dough that won't rise.
You just have to continue your search. Keep reading. And communicate.
Sometime, someone will write something or say something that will just "click" with you. Or perhaps you will even perceive that you are being given a "sign" of Kim's presence, or the presence of something or someone spirtual in your life. At some poiont in time, you WILL begin to think about what direction to take for the rest of your life, and how to honor your daughter's life and her memory.
For me, I could not get out of my mind the phrase that God spoke: "I knew you before you were born"
That thought affects me profoundly. Where was I before I was born? Where was my Timmy before he was born? In the place where we return when our bodies cannot support us any longer?
How I wish I could remember that place, and "know" it again, and "know" the presence of God, and my son.
"I knew you before you were born". I think it is in the book of Job. That is a good part of the Bible to read again and again. For Job was tested in every awful way, and Job and his "friends" and his wife asked the same questions we ask every day- every hour- WHY? WHY? And God answered.
Meanwhile, I HAVE to keep my faith that I will "know" my son again at the end of my life- and go to him joyfully. Because what is the alternative, really? I continue to read about others' near-death experiences, the joy and sorrow felt by theose who went and came back, and the commmonality of faiths about the survival of the soul.
But I also accept that I have unfinished business here to complete before I go- perhaps business for both of us. If your daughter had so much to live for- then perhaps you have to live it for both of you, and see it with your eyes on her behalf.
Love the people she loved. Call the people she would call. Touch the people she would touch. See the beauties she would see. Travel to the places she would travel. Appreciate the things that she would appreciate. These things you will share with her now, and later.
I also suggest you keep a journal and write a letter to your daughter every day- or as often as you wish. Keep the communication channel open. I found it therapeutic to do so, I carried my little journal everywhere and wrote down the thoughts that crossed my mind as they occurred. The day I finally felt I did not need to do this was the day I reached yet another marker in the grieving journey.
I have not written to my son for a while, but this year I did write him a Christmas letter and put it in his stocking. I will do this every year, on Christmas Eve. Someday, perhaps I will go back and read them. Perhaps.
Take Care on this passing Christmas night, Betty. And remember that God knew Kim even before she was born.

By Lee Cothren on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 10:36 pm: Edit

Betty, I am so sorry about the loss of your Daughter,Kim. I also lost my Daughter Patti,age 39,Jan 28, 2001. The pain we all feel is unbearable and we'll never really understand why God took our children but maybe this will give you some comfort,as it did me.
LETTER FROM HEAVEN
To My Dearest Family, Here are some things I would like to say, but first of all, I'll let you know that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from Heaven, here I dwell with God. Here there are no tears of sadness, just enternal love. Please don't be unhappy because I'm out of sight.Remember I am with you every morning, noon and night.That day I Had to leave you, when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me, He said "I welcome you, It's good to have you home again, you were missed while you were gone. As for your Dearest Family, the will be here later on. There is so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man." God gave me a list of things,that he wished for me to do,And foremost on that list was to Watch and Care for You.When you lie in bed at night, the days chores all put to rest. God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night. When you think of my Life on Earth & all those loving years, Because you're only human, I know they will bring you tears.But Please, don't be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain..Remember there would be no flowers, without a little rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned, but one thing is for certain,tho my life on Earth is done,I'm closer to you know than I ever was before. Their are many rocky roads ahead of you, & many hills to climb; but together we can do it, taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy & I would like it for you too; that as you give unto this world, the world will give to you; If you can help somebody that's in sorrow & in pain; Then you can say to God at night.."My day was not in vain". Now I am contented..that my life was worthwhile. Knowing that as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling kinda low,Just lend a hand to pick her up, and on your way you go. When you are walking down the street and you have me on your mind; I'll be walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind, and when it's time for you to go.. from your body to be free. Remember, you are only coming... to be here with God and me.

Lee ( Patti's Mom)

By Rachael on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 04:43 pm: Edit

Hi, I just found this site and am very glad. I lost my beautiful 22 yr old daughter to a drunk driver going 134 mph on Oct 28th 2003. It has been 2 months but they feel like years. I also have 3 other wonderful children but it just isn't the same. I feel like all my plans for the future are gone. I have lost a brother and my mom and loosing a child just is do very different.

By diane conmy on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 01:36 pm: Edit

Dear Sweet Ginny,
How dearly I feel your heart, your hurt and ache. The raw and freshness of our losses, all of us here are made more disturbing somehow by the holidays. I for one am glad a New Year is upon us. May 2004 hold some of the peace and may laughter return our lives.
Ginny, while I had family in visiting, one sleeping here in my office, I could not get on line very easily and so I have not gone on in a week or so, I feel so badly that i was not able to answer your call but look how many people came to your side so quickly. Aren't we blessed with good people in our lives? Perhaps Ginny, this is one of the miracles we get in our pain and from here we walk into the day with more hope and support than before. No matter how many times we ask WHY? it will not change that our loved daughters, sons, sisters, moms, dads, brtohers, all have left this earth, leaving us to fend without them. We can do it, in fact we are doing it wiht each step we take, like the big one we all take to reach out here for help. WHY does not matter anymore, but what now does. What now can I do to get through the day with more joy, with more energy, with more ability? I pray Gin, that you find the magic of your sis inside of you, as you said she liked to live out loud, so what now can you do to include that high energy into your life again? I do not want you to feel your soul is shattered, it is reshaped, like your heart, it is unfamiliar in parts because just like when we heal from a break or a deep cut, we scar, we are changed by it. OUr hearts, our souls too scar, they are different, and so we are different, but the lovely woman your sister loved as you love her, is still there Ginny. Ask your son, does he still recognize you? Yes, you are sad, and you may be different than you once were, but it is you Ginny, let the parts come together again. Remember, you are alive cause you are supposed to be, let your sis watch over you now, she will always be your sister.
If you would like to write me...dconmy3@yahoo.com

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 11:42 am: Edit

Dear Diane C. Thank you for writing back. I am having a really hard time with this (joyous) season. I want to live out loud I want to take away some of the sad. I just can't seem to be able to enjoy life even when I try. I 'd rather go back home after being out somewhere and lock myself away in my saddness. A few special people I know are trying very hard to help me here. People I never thought would have so much love and support in thier hearts to share with others.Baby steps, 3 forward 4 backwards... I hope in time to change that to the other way around. Diane your support has meant alot to me. Somehow I feel like I know you. Here you are with your Daughter's death so fresh, so young, and you reach out to help us stop the darkness from ripping away whats left of us. I know you are one of God's Angels! I will write to you privately @ your e-mail address if you don't mind on occasion. I don't really want to go under, but somedays seem to take me there, where reasoning won't stop the what is now. To Betty C. Your dgtr. Kim was so young too. At 28 she had her life ahead of her, my heart goes out to you. To Lee Cothren your dagtr. also at age 39 was just begging a new stage in this walk of life,Patti Is probably helping us all. I think I'd like to start a circle of life chain to go forward into the new year. It has certainly helped each and everyone us here to bring us together and hold each other up. Debbie Tetrault,5/22/03, Kyle Lippo ,9/28/03, Racheal,22yr.old dagtr. 10/28/03 Patti,39yrs.1/28/01, Kim, 28yrs. 5/25/02, Erica 19yrs. &/14/03 <Tim 19yrs,5/25/02... Please add to it and correct any if I made a Mistake. We need to keep thier lites burning britely in the hope of finding some peace in the new year. A GREAT BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE POSTED! An extra big hug to you Dianne C. God Bless I will keep you all in my prayers. Ginny Godfrey

By diane conmy on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 02:11 pm: Edit

Dear Ginny, that hug has warmed me through and through, thank you, and may you feel mine back to you. I like very mcuh what you did with our loved ones, their names and dates stand as a testament to thier short but dearly important lives. I think we sometimes feel people will forget, but they will not, we will not, we will keep their lights shining in us. That is it Ginny, keeping your dear Sister's light shining in you is what you are trying to do by reaching out and getting some help with the sadness. In doing this, yuou will find ways to enjoy life again, therefore honoring the love your sister has for you. You are a good woman, you are making gains even when we take a few steps back, those seve just to show us that we have been going forward. jPlease know that your living is not a crime, that your laughter is not a disrespect to your dear sis. I look forward to your writing me. May the New Year offer more hope and joy than you ever thought possible.
My love,
diane

By Paula P. on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 04:23 pm: Edit

Hi my mane is paula and on nov.30,2003 my very best friend my husband had a heart attak and died.
he left behind me, ayane 12, briyane 6, and tayane 4 all girls. my husband was 36 and a wonderful husband. Iam writting because i am so sorry for your lost and i wanted you to know i will be praying for you.((((you))))).
If you or any one has time to write me my e-mail is perrypaula2001 2yahoo.com God bless you.


Paula

By paula P on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 04:27 pm: Edit

Hi it's paula i mad a mistake on my e-mail
it's perrypaula2001@yahoo.com

By Chris on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 07:28 pm: Edit

Paula:

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I can't say I know the pain of losing a husband, but I do know the pain of losing a son. It is all so devastating. You have three children, that I'm sure must remind you of him every time you look at them. I have no words of wisdom only prayer and faith in God will see you through. Your children need you, and I know it must be unbearable. I lost my son Robb in April of 2002 , in an auto accident. I can tell you there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him or cry, I still have days that all I want to do is just go somewhere and be alone with my memories. If it hadn't been for my strong faith and the fact that I know in my heart I will be with him again someday, I couldn't have gotten this far. May God Bless and Keep you in the days to come.

Robb's Mom ( Chris)

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 07:35 pm: Edit

Dear Diane, THANK YOU!!!! You have made my life 10 fold better by just allowing me to share with you. It's a definite step in the right direction. Now PAULA, I am sorry to hear of your loss. You have come to a truly God loving people of Angels place. Use it as we do, Ask for help if you need it. Here there is no judment of our feelings. Here we are accepted for what we have become. I hope someday to say Surviors of Grief. Here we find the comfort and Love and understanding from the only people who Know how and usally why we are feeling so bad. It really is the only place I have been able to ask for the help and support we all need to survive this major life changing event. I don't want to say welcome. I am sorry you had to come here. But you will find the Love here. Call out if and when you need to. I know we all will be praying for you and your family. God Bless Ginny Godfrey

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 07:39 pm: Edit

Dear Diane C. I have a P.S. please go to the E-mail to heaven page this site has and read my letter to Debbie I wrote today. It is Truly a miracle !!! I can't believe it myself. But I'm going to. Thanks Ginny Godfrey

By Chris on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 08:18 pm: Edit

Rachael:
I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter. Losing a child is the most devastating thing one will ever go through. I know I lost my twenty seven year old son to an elderly driver in April 2002.It's been so long and yet it seems like yesterday to me. Noone can possibly imagine the pain of losing a child until it happens to you. These months have gone and I don't know where they went. It's like I'm trapped in this world with no direction and no answers. I too have three other children, and it has been just as hard for them. For so long I was angry and I wanted to tell this man, who lived after the wreck, so many things, but I never got that chance except in a letter, he died about three weeks ago. I hate to say this but I feel relief from this. God help us! know the only way to possibly make any sense of this is to pray on a daily basis, God will see you through. As I've said many times losing family members is really hard, I also lost a brother and my dad. I'm not saying that didn't hurt because it did, but not like this. We love our children so much and we protect them, and we lose them to what seems so very unnecesary circumstances. They are in no pain and they are in heaven rejoicing, waiting for us to join them. Take comfort in this. May God Bless and Keep You!!!

Robb's Mom ( Chris)

By Judy on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 11:17 pm: Edit

Chris, I am so sorry for your loss also. You mentioned that you had lost a brother so did I. I guess I always thought that my kids were safe from accidents because my brother was killed in an auto accident when he was 19. Oh how wrong I was and now I worry about something happening to my other kids. Somedays I do very well and others just suck. I don't think I will ever be able to listen to country music again. I guess it is just a time thing and I can't go from a to z like I lwould like to. Thanks for your kind words. Judy

By diane conmy on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 03:47 pm: Edit

Dear Ginny, I do not know how to get to the page you mentioned, please help me, i can't wait to read what you wrote.
Love and My very best wishes in 2004
diane

By diane conmy on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 04:16 pm: Edit

Hi all, Happy New Year, It will be a better one as we begin to put the pieces of our hearts back together again, and while there is hurt let us live the joy part of our loved ones hopes. HEy Ginny, so proud of yuo, your post to your sister is beautiful, gorgeous and i can feel how happy your heart felt while writing it, and Debbie is smiling with tears of joy in her eyes. So proud of her sister making such strides to live life now. I am very happy Ginny, you will have a good 2004, because you will make sure of it. Thanks for sharing with me, I will soon e-mail Erica.

By chris on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 09:16 pm: Edit

Judy:

I know it is hard, I use to go to the cemetary everyday after Robb was taken from me. I still go sometimes twice a week. I keep his grave looking imaculate. I try to come up with unique things I think he would be pleased. I go there to talk to him at times. If It makes me feel better or closer to him why not! I would like everyone to look at his web-site, his best friend came over and helped me set it up. Robb had so many friends, he was truly loved and missed, everday. The web address is:::: www.geocities.yahoo.com/AngelRobb1975 (have your sound on)

God Bless
Robb's Mom ( Chris)

By Ginny Godfrey on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 10:41 pm: Edit

Dear Diane Conmy, On the left of this page are listings of other areas of this board. Where it says GROWW SITE, the one directly below it is Groww Forums, Click on that one it will take you to the page with more listings. Scroll down until you see e-mail to heaven, click on that, it will take you to a choice of read e-mail to heaven, or write e-mail to heaven. click on read e- mail to heaven, then you'll have to scroll down until you find To My Sister Debbie Tetrault dated Dec. 30th 03. You can also use your back button to go back and post an E-mail to your Daughter. I have been writing almost everyday and it has really been helping me just to write to Deb. I hope it can help you to. God Bless Love Ginny Godfrey PS You have been a really good friend! THANK YOU! GREAT BIG HUG!!!!

By Ginny Godfrey on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 11:00 pm: Edit

Dear Diane Conmy, I see you already saw it. I need to read all the posts before responding. But thank you again. I'll probably be thanking you and Erica over and over again. We all should take your daughters advice about living life out loud. I bet she had no reqrets. Of course I think you had a hand in raising an inspiration to all. She was truly blessed to have you for her MOM. You carry her spirit so well and you radiate the love you two must have shared. That in itself is a Blessing. I know You are one of God's Angels!!!! God Bless Ginny Godfrey

By yolanda on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 04:09 pm: Edit

hi my name is yolanda and 17 days ago i loss my better half like I used to call him. is very hard to accept that I would never see hin walking through the door, or get a phone call and said hi my love, I feel that I have no reason to go on any more I feel as he took our present and our future with him, I miss his jokes, his games, there are many times I feel am going crazy the pain is so un bearable I can't sleep at night, I wish to think that is a really bad dream that am going to open my eyes and his there. People tell me that his an angel looking on me I don't want an angel I want him back

By Lynda on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 10:38 am: Edit

((( YOLANDA D )))

I am so sorry for your loss, I know the pain you are going through. Please keep coming here and posting on the boards,everyone here will give you love and support.

I am not sure how you get onto the chatrooms. Try scrolling down in the beginning after Message boards to Chat Calender, maybe you could try Grief Recovery.
I hope this helps you. ((((hugs)))
Lynda

By yolanda on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 11:16 am: Edit

thank you linda for responding to my message I don't know how to go on in life any more, Please tell me this gets easier, many times I wish i could get my mind in blank, I fell guilty for not kissing him more for not making time to tell him how important he was in my life. Lynda I have this great pain and I don't know what to do I miss him so much and every were I look is a memory and it makes it harder i wish he would have take me with him.

By Lynda on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 12:17 pm: Edit

Yolanda

I feel your pain, my heart is with you, hang on in there you are still in shock. Try not to feel guilty, he knows you love him and how important he was in your life. Yolanda, I know this great pain,I have felt it, as all of us on Groww have.
Take one moment of each day at a time.
The pain will ease, from the terrible screaming pain in your heart and mind, to one we are more able to cope with. Just keep coming here,where
there is love and understanding from a lot of wonderful people.
HOLDING YOU CLOSE
Lynda

By Lynda on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 12:35 pm: Edit

Yolanda

Friend and Mary Rose have responded to your request. How do you get into on of the chatrooms
further down the page
still holdin you close

By diane conmy on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 05:48 pm: Edit

Hey ginny, Erica is smiling that you feel she has helped you through this time, and i am smiling as well. Erica is an inspiration indeed, each day she reminds me how to live more fully. Yesterday my dear niece delivered a baby that died, a 22 week fetus, boy, that when he died inside of her she said, as much as I hate that ERica died, Iam glad she is here to take my son to heaven with her. Eri has influenced us with her spirit and her love and so thanks for letting me know how she has helped. You are a dear sister fro your sis, keep writing to her as your heart begins to heal with its new shape. Ever full.
Love you Gin,
diane

By yolanda on Saturday, January 03, 2004 - 07:45 pm: Edit

thank you to all of you who had amwer my question. I feel comfort to know that I can come and talk to any of you whem I feel desperate, and loss usually during the night I feel completely empty I feel so alone,I think life would never be the same I look around me and nothing makes sense any more. During this time I feel as god has left me

By Ginny Godfrey on Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 11:01 am: Edit

Dear Diane, I think I have let you down. I am so sorry But the last few days have been so dark and empty. I am so lost again I can't feel anything but this empty dark unloved feeling where my heart once was, I don't want to get up anymore. I am so tired. So tired of trying. I feel so alone with no where to turn. Is there anyone here inside me. I can't find any answer to that .I am so very, very tired of suffering. I just keep hitting the wall. Everyday same old darkness. Unrelenting disapointment of myself. I really don't matter to anyone. I never can pick myself up and stay up. I feel this dark growing swallowing what is left of me. The nite comes so early the fear engulfs me, the constant pain, God it hurts so bad. I have no where to go. I am noone, I am nobody, I have nothing to stay here for. I am just a useless piece of whats let of a shattered heart and soul. No begginings no future, no love. How did I get here. How can I make this all go away. I put my heart out there and it gets crushed down back into this pit of hell. I am so sorry Diane, I have let down the One last person That gave me a string of hope. Lost in my nothingess, lost and in pain of not wanting to give anymore. I am beaten, stomped, kicked down. I don't think I want to go on from here. I am grateful for the short time I felt a glimmer of hope. But here I am again back to the nitemare of darkness and dispair drowning in my heartache. I have nothing left to give. I am void of life. I don't want to do another day. GOD WHEN DOES IT END! I gave my whole life wearing my heart on my sleeve, only to have it smashed to little tiny I don't matter I have nothing left to give. I am so unlovable even God doesn't want to hold me. I am so broken and tired of the tears. I can't see any reason I was born. Empty, loniness,sad, dark empty space. Ripping me to tiny speaks until I am no more. What a awful waste of life. I am so ashamed. I am so sorry I can't even love myself. I don't like what I have become. Constant fear and the darkness. Always that darkness always the pain. This is not worth it. There is nothing left inside me. Diane please don't hate me. I have no comfort no hope. WHY can't God hear me, why am I even here. I am so tired. Thanks for trying but I don't think I have enough in me or this so called life to survive this world. I want all the hurt to go away....I want to have a reason to be. I want to be held close and comforted. How did I get to here. How do I go on. I can't stand it anymore let down and crushed left alone to be noone. Ginny Godfrey

By yolanda on Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 01:18 pm: Edit

hi Ginny I know how you feel I ask the same question every minute, I just loss my parthner and am very loss with out him, I know about the pain you are talking about, Iknow too that you feel as god has left us but I had gotten to the conviction that is know that his holding us other wise we won be here. Why are we here I don't know please think god is hearing you you allways can find some here who understands your pain. Please help me to bevelieve that. Please lest help each other walk throught this I don't know none of you, and them I feel so closed to you. when I found that am not alone on this gives comfort because I know that together we can make it

By mcfal on Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 02:00 pm: Edit

My Dear Ginny

Im so sorry you feel so lost. My warm hugs and strength that Ive gotten here on GROWW I pass on to you. No one can understand or feel what you are going through. You know I had such a hard time for New Years, I didnt want to be with my family (sisters,mom and brother) I couldnt bare the thought of them watching my reaction. So I dont know how I ended up where my son works but I spent New Years Eve there. And that worked for me, because I was able to cry and yet look at all the young people celebrating and laughing and enjoying life and no one asked me any questions. I did it my way and got through the night.WE need to go on with life no matter how much it hurts, because we matter. WE are here for a purpose, so with all our loving memories we have them to give us strength. All I can say is talk, talk, talk,yell, yell, yell, cry, cry, cry, what ever helps you, its ok

love and hugs
Marie-NYC

By diane conmy on Sunday, January 04, 2004 - 07:05 pm: Edit

Ginny oh Ginny, do not ever worry about disappointing me, not me. You are so low right now and I wish you could go to a therapist and discuss this, you may need to go on some meds to get yourself feeling better. Ginny, the fact you were better should show you that it is possible. It is possible to feel good again.
I will pray and pray that you realize you were born for a reason, you are here for a reason.
Love
dee

By Ginny Godfrey on Monday, January 05, 2004 - 11:59 am: Edit

Dear Diane, Yolanda and Marie, Thank you so much. I wish I could feel your hugs. You are probably the only reason I am here again today. The tears are still falling I am not getting through this yet.But you all have given me some courage to face another day.I have tried medications they seemed to only make it worse. I am getting help from the chruch. I still find myself full of self doubt and I have pushed away all my friends and closed myself off. They don't seem to understand. I don't need to be scolded for my grief. I need to be heard. I really want to believe Debbie is all right. But when the nite comes the fear overwhelms me. I can't seem to find a way to make it stop. I don't know how to go forward. I don't like this person I have become. Crying all the time sad and lonley. All I need is someone to say it's ok to feel this way. To keep me going when I can't or don't think I can. I really want to find some happiness again. They have self help books on every subject but how to survive when your heart is ripped out and goes with them. Instrutions would be nice! It seems life prepares us for every event we may face except how to cope with the loss of one so profoundly needed in our life. I think about it to much always searching,always grasping an on going battle to where? To the end of our souls a vast nothing in space to never be heard or felt again. It all seems so silly to struggle so much in life when all there really is ,is the end. If thats all it's about what a waste of time. Nothing really matters at all. I having a really hard time with that one. Well I am going to go for now. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You are probably the angels sent to help me find the anwers, I have not given up on that. Thanks for caring about me. It's a nice feeling it is one I miss so much. No matter what went down in life Deb. was always there to help me up and love me uncondtionally. I really miss her and that. What a gift she had. She could heal my soul. It is not often we find someone in life to comfort and protect us. I need to learn to walk alone. Today is one more day that you help me to get through . GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!!!!! I can't thank you enough. Love Ginny Godfrey

By Diane Conmy on Monday, January 05, 2004 - 08:58 pm: Edit

Ginny,
it is okay to feel as you do, your heart is broken, but there are reasons to cotinue. I will pray that Debbie is able to give you a sign of her peace, her love for you, giving you purpose here on earth. But goodness, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Did i tell you the book i like, and there are many i find distasteful, the good one is called, DONT LET DEATH RUIN YOUR LIFE. A woman wrote it and it is powerful. It is sensible and not preachy. Do you listen to music? If you do maybe some U2 will enliven your spirit, how about the latest Fleetwood Mac, and jAnnie Lennox. Music helps me sort my pain in a way that allows me tears adn healing. Listen to the words and know athat you have felt the depthof so much, you could have written the songs others sing. Why do they sing them, why did they write them> because they hurt like us a t one time, or becuase of the joy they have felt. Either way, if you listen you will hear the sounds of your heart in there. It beats honey, cause it is supposed to. There is areason, hang on and one day soon you will see it, know it and love it.
I am proud of you Ginny, because you are here, still looking for help, still knowing there is hope.
thank you,
love,
diane

By Lost on Monday, January 05, 2004 - 09:50 pm: Edit

(((((((((((((((Ginny))))))))))))

By mcfal on Monday, January 05, 2004 - 10:48 pm: Edit

dearest Ginny

Your presious Debbie, how wonderful she sounds. You know she is still picking you up and helping you get together only you dont see it. She has left her legacy. Just remembering shows how much she loved you and is now watching over you. Ginny live life and you will be happy again, one day at a time. You feel pain but the day will come when your loving memories will ease the pain. Keep comming to GROWW, we love and are hear for you. Your courage and strength gives me strength.

love and hugs

Marie-NYC

By Ginny Godfrey on Tuesday, January 06, 2004 - 12:39 am: Edit

Blessings in my life. Dianne Conmy, Yolanda and Marie, and lost & Nellie 501 Tim's mom, Joyland and Been there, I hope I didn't miss anyone.I want to share this with you. I thank the Lord for my suffering and darkness. I was able to see the true light of Love and it'd now so much more rewarding. I thank him for all the pain that brought me here. For all the adversity to gain the inner strengh and courage to move forward and deny self doubt and fear. For restoring my faith And allowing me struggle at my own pace. So I was able to appreciate and find my way to this site, which has been my salvation, and learn my way. For holding me and walking with me thru some very stormy times, even when I doubted him and his exsistance in our life. He never gave up on me. And you didn't give up on me. I only gave up on myself! I thank him for all the friends I have found at GROWW. Complete strangers who helped guide me back into the light of the living. Even with thier own depths of grieving they reached out to me. Allowing ESP. ( DIANE C ) to enter my life. I love her true spirit. I know she is an Angel in disgise! All of you reached out to hold me and Love me & gave me understanding. Without fear of judgement on how long, why , and how hard this process is. You listened to my fears, my doubts, & allowed me to expirence my grief without worrying about rejection. No one here said get over it. They always speak Debbie's name. You have taken a broken shattered soul and put in back together in the shape of a heart( Diane) One that is full of love, faith & hope & understanding And best of all some peace at the end of the day. Come on you guy's give yourselves a pat on the back, you deserve it. It truly is a miracle in itself. Through Gods uncondtional love he worked through all of us, to rise above the grief and fear and darkness. Everyone of you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Hope restored in the human race. Faith, all your love would somehow save me. Your love given without question or asking for anything in return. Your arms to hold me tightly in your hearts, all this to keep a total stranger from falling down to no return. Your hearts to heal my pain. The kindness could never be repaid. Bringing me out of the storm back into the light of hope. If that is not coming full circle to what life is all about, I don't know what else is. Reaching out to me to share your love and courage. You have planted the seeds of life and hope may it grow and grow. I will forever be grateful for your support. Debbie is not gone, You have shown me she lives on in all of us and still helping me when I need it most. Some magic has brought us all together. We all should take some joy, knowing our loved ones have made us better people. We have proved that. Taking the negative and turning thier memory into something positive. As Diane says for her daughter, Live your life outloud!!! Let the lite of our loved ones flame stay constant and burn britely, they will live forever thru us. I find some comfort in that. WE CAN CONTINUE TO KEEP THE LITES SHINING. Make thier lives count. We will do it everyday, each one of us, we will never forget. I'm not saying any of us will not backslide at times, but this is definitly a step in the right direction. We can and will rise above all the darkness all because of our grief and our friends at GROWW. All strangers but really not, because we all grow this love by helping each other and giving each other the gift of true friendship. You are the lifeboats that guide us back to shore, to the light of the living. I am going to continue to turn this tragic situation into a positive and Let Debbie's praises be sung. I can't thank you enough for holding me up, loving me enough to help and hugging me when I needed it most. Thank you all from the bottom of a mending heart. I have been truly blessed to find my way here in the arms of strangers, Who understand the pits of dispair. TO ALL AND A GREAT BIG PAT ON YOUR BACKS! Not to under rate anyone's importance, But (EXTRA BIG HUG FROM ERICA TO HER MOM DIANE C )She is living her after life out loud where she is now. I believe in that. Thanks for being my friends. Love and God bless each and everyone of you. Are You all Angels? Ginny Godfrey

By mcfal on Tuesday, January 06, 2004 - 06:03 pm: Edit

dearest Ginny,

through your love and strength, you give me strength to go on one day at a time. Yes we have been blessed and guided to GROWW.

love ya
Marie-NYC

By diane conmy on Tuesday, January 06, 2004 - 10:12 pm: Edit

And we have been blessed by your return to finding light dear Ginny. I am so glad that you feel a strength now forming in your spirit, and Debbie is cheering you on and we are cheering you on. You have made each of us here feel the magic that we have all received by being here, there really is magic in the sorrow, we sometimes have to dig for it, search, and sometimes we have to be quiet inside and listen very carefully to our own heartbeat and know that that heart beats for two, you and the one you love so that can no longer hang out with us. Our loved ones dearly want us to go on adn not just go on, but go on and make life special for ourselves, for others. Ginny, you need to know that tonight, you made me cry from joy, tears that fell on my lap from your feeling better today, from your knowing that there is reason and sharing it so well with us. You gifted us today, fed our spirits. YOu see what you are capable of?
Sleep well with lovely dreams.
diane

By Ginny Godfrey on Wednesday, January 07, 2004 - 11:41 am: Edit

Hello To all My friends At Groww, I don't have alot of time today, but I still would like to touch base and thank you once again for all the love and support. I am not ready to move away from any of you yet. I don't ever want to lose your spirts in my life. You have saved someone from a place I hope to never go again. I hope we all can continue To hold each other up when we need it. To love each other without question. Never judging sometimes just listening, when We all need a true friend. This love I feel here is so heartfelt ! I can not put into words how Warm it makes me feel. This has got to be the magic of true life and love. Only through this walk in the darkness would we ever appreciate the love that growws from here. I guess we are blessed. Without the loss of our loved ones we would never have been able to reach out with our most inner painful turmoil and share something that only people like us can understand. That is a gift. They have given us the greatest gift of all. I believe that must be our light at the end of the darkness. The Hope, The Love, The Faith restored, in our shattered broken souls. I believe we are the peace we search for at the end of the day. We are special enough that God choose us to handle this very important journey. The end result being we Are all made of that undieing love of God, and it is the only thing that can hold us , comfort us, love us uncondtionally, Hold us in his heart, and send Angels to help us back into the day. It is the only thing we leave behind and the only thing we can take with us! I know We can All Believe in that. I love You all Thank you so very much! Ginny Godfrey

By audreyc on Thursday, January 08, 2004 - 01:46 am: Edit

Ginny..I cry with you and have tried to answer the Question to myself the one we all ask....?WHY? WHY? WHY? I have trouble sleeping,I sit here in the dark trying to make sense of it all. My question is "Why are we born?" There has to be a reason."Why do some suffer so much emotional pain and others so little?" We were definitly sent to this earth to learn something. Is it to learn more about compassion for our fellow men? I feel sure we are here for some reason, What is at the other end is a mystery that only those that have gone ahead now know the answer to.The only way I console myself is that one day we will all be together in the place we came from,Am I making any sense?The road we are stumbling along is a very fearful one and only those who have experienced deep love can possibly know the dreadful emptiness and emotional loss that shadows us along that road.I feel in my heart that we are all here to learnsomething but I will be darned if I can figure out what it is that we have to go through this hell to learn.... ((HUGS_)) Audrey

By Ginny Godfrey on Thursday, January 08, 2004 - 10:01 am: Edit

My Dear Audrey, ( GREAT BIG HUG) I don't think we are suppose to know all the answers. I have come to the conculsion that if that were the case we wouldn't be sent here to learn. And really how could we learn the greatness of what love can do if were not to suffer the heartache we are doing now. It makes the Reward's that much sweeter. Just like you! I know the nights are long and dark it is the hardest time. Never ending into the quiet. I know that's when the fear of nothingness try's to swallow us up. We can stop it. We are stopping it. All of us by sharing and loving each other. I am going to believe in that. I believe there is more. We are not suppose to be here wasting time looking for that. We are only human though. I pray we will find the comfort and peace we all need and live our life to the fullest. It is the only thing that matters, The Love, never ending undying only growing, surrounding and comforting holding us in our darkest moments Love, lifting up our hearts souls and faith, in all we can not see, and making us all whole again. We can feel it if we try ,in that I know I believe. Give a try. Go to the spot in your heart that was so full of love ,where your loved one was before, listen to it, it may be hard at first < But I promise you it is there. Grab onto it and hold it close let thier love return and grow, it just needs you to believe and make it happen. I will hold you in my heart closely and try to comfort you through this storm. Hang on. We all care about you. Let's all make our loved one's memory shine bright forever more. You make alot of sense. You are feeling what I see here over and over again. The True meaning of life. We come into this world with it, we will leave this world with it. No money can buy us that. We are really blessed we just need to learn to accept that reality. Not the worlds conditioning of loss and emptiness. A differant thinking of taking that love we shared with our loved ones is , and spreading the joy of the gift they had given us to share. It has brought us to each other are we not blessed to have others who can cry with us understand our weaknesses and heartache and dispair! I think we are. Knowing truly loving giving souls , we can only go forward from here. Together we will find our way out of the darkness. I KNOW WE CAN! I will be praying for you and Always holding close in my Heart! I hope you can feel me. I pray you feel the love from your loss again. God Bless Ginny Godfrey

By Ginny Godfrey on Saturday, January 10, 2004 - 09:56 pm: Edit

Dear Audrey, I hope you are OK. I am still praying for you and holding you tight in my heart. Please let us know if your OK. I care. HUGS Ginny Godfrey

By Ginny Godfrey on Saturday, January 10, 2004 - 10:07 pm: Edit

EVERYONE, HELLO, I hope we are all still hanging in here. Where the love is growing. I hope we all can feel it. I hope we all can continue to go forward and take these blessing of each other's friendships and keep the hope line going. You held me in my worst darkest days. I owe you all so much. Let's keep communicating sharing and caring. We have earned that right. I know everyone here is a part of my life now. My saftey net. I still need you all. I will make you proud I promise you that. We can all survive this. We will survive this now that we have true loving hearts to help soften the blow. True hearts to slowly repair and reshape our hearts and hope to love again, and hopefully live in honor of our loved ones. Lets Go! We are the cheerleaders here. They can't work the magic in heaven without us Are we up to it. YES WE CAN I love you all. I hope everyone still stays connected now no big backwards steping. It is not wrong to need the soft place to fall and find a little peace at the end of the day. Love and Blessings Ginny Godfrey

By mcfal on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 11:31 am: Edit

thanks Ginny

we are all giving it our best, thats all we can do. baby steps is what im taking. this week Jan 16 will be one year that my Joe passed. All I can see is flashes of our lives together. everything i hear, do or say is with him in mind. I just want to sleep past this month. No one understands except for my friends at groww.

love and peace
marie-nyc

By moonbaby8u on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 08:31 pm: Edit

My future crumbled 7 months ago.My whole life I was unhappy.I was in a abusive relationship for 8 years,I never thought that I would ever be happy til I met Kyle.Kyle and I were made for each other.He was soppouse to a one night stand thing,but it turned out to be lot more.Even though I had my own place,I slept at his huse for over the year that we were together.We even planned to move in together in August.We talked about kids,we talked about having grandkids.We were going on our first trip together,I was going to meet his dad,instead,the day that I was soppouse to meet his dad,I was staring down on him,crying,stroking his hair,while he was just laying there,in a coffin.I woke up to him 3 days before that,the day I was soppouse to make green bean cassarole for his family,the day he was going to take my son and work on my brakes.Instead,I spent my morning in shock.The first thing that camne to my head was that,I had known it was going to happen.I wrote about it in my journal the night before.I still act as though he is here.I still close my eyes and wait for him to walk through the door.I cant accept it yet,7 monthes later and I cant accept it yet.Everything takes time,and time is all I have.

By Ginny Godfrey on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 09:28 pm: Edit

HELLO FRIENDS, The world still goes on no-one gets it. Football more important than any of us. I am back to bleeding today. Back to the nitemare that is. I have cried all nite and day. I don't like where this brings me. Baby steps ripping my heart out again. Up and down one good day 20 bad. I don't know how we will make it. I guess we will but to be quite frank I am getting pretty tired. It is like having bipolar disorders. Anyone agree? Driving me crazy. Maybe crazy won't be so bad. Nice people go there. I don't know if it is better than this but a change would be nice. I don't want to bring anyone down it is just so darn hard. Reality sucks unless you are a football player. Long cold day and nite here. It has been snowing non-stop. I hate staying in, to much time to think. To much time where my mind race's non stop. Anyone feeling this too. It just doesn;t let go of it's grip. When does the madness start to stay better. Maybe never. I hope evryone else is hanging in there we need each other. Love to all. Hope to feel better tomorrow. I pray I will. I hope to find some comfort in sleep, I know what you are saying I don't sleep well at all anymore. God Bless Ginny Godfrey

By diane conmy on Tuesday, January 13, 2004 - 10:22 pm: Edit

Hey ginny,
one good day and 20 bad still bring youforward, cause of the one good day, baby steps are important. Madness? I think we have all toyed with it, perhaps this is where we draw the line, madness grabs people with more ease if they are alnoe with their hurt. I know we all are alone with much of it, but coming here, knowing that others feel the things I feel, you feel, makes me know that sadness takes on the look of madness sometimes, we share that sadness here, we know we are not entirely alone. So I celebrate that one good day, and I will celebrate the next one too.
Tomorrow is the 6th month of my girl Erica's death. She left this earth on July 14th, and while 6 months is not long for many things, we get our teeth cleaned every 6 months for goodness sake, 6 months is a long time to be without my daughter. I know when i say that here, people get it. In the other part of the world we live in, people do not always get it. I am grateful beyond words for this place, and for the people here with me, sharing hearts, stories, tears, and healing.
Sleep well tonight.
diane

By Ginny Godfrey on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 10:43 am: Edit

Diane C, And the others here who have tried to help me, Today is the worst ever. No-one could imagine. I don't think I have moved anywhere but further down. DOWN into HELL. No other feelings in me. I am screaming inside I wish I could die I wish I could die. I am afraid it will win yet. I have lost my string. I have tried to hang on but everything is knocking me further into the dark madness. I will try to make it today But I can not promise you or anyone else I will make it. Please everyone it's not your fault. Just to many dark entity's constantly pulling at my soul. To hard to damn hard. I am so very tired, tired , tired, alone, afraid, I am so very lost, alone and empty. I am sorry to disappoint all of you here. I can't even save myself. I am so sorry. I am so weakend. I can't find how to maintain sanity. My grip is so unbalanced right now. I can feel it closing in on me. I am to tired to run anymore. I am so very unlovable. I am so tired of crying and the emptyness , sorry......Ginny Godfrey

By Ginny Godfrey on Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - 10:46 am: Edit

Dear Diane I am so sorry I almost forgot what today is to you. I am so very sorry. Love Ginny

By Judy on Thursday, January 15, 2004 - 11:44 pm: Edit

Ginny, I am thinking about you am so sorry that you are suffering so much. I don't know what happen but do you have someone that you can share your burden with. If you would like to e-mail me please do. Jadams1156@yahoo.com

Judy

By Betty Crawley on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 07:44 pm: Edit

We lost our precious 38 year old daughter on May 25 2002. Although it has been over a year and a half now, I still feel so overwhelmed with dispair. She loved life and her death was so sudden and unexpected. I keep asking myself WHY this happened? And could I have done something to save her? I have days when all I want to do is sleep -- as if I am asleep I don't dwell so on the pain of losing her. I have been told the pain will subside -- and tho I no longer cry every day, I miss her so, and my heart aches to hear her sweet voice and tell her once more how much I love her.

By Ginny Godfrey on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 09:26 am: Edit

Dear Betty. I lost my 42 year old sister my best friend on May 22 2002 in an automobile accident. I still cry alot. I still don't understand I still can't accept the loss. Despair is an understatement. The missing her part is the most difficult. I find writing to her each day at E-mail to heaven site on this site helps me alot. I believe she gets those letters and it feels like I can still communicate openly. I don't know if you have tried that but it is worth a shot. Or writing in a journal. It is healing. I have done that it has been a great source of coping. I will have you in my prayers. Hang in there. She still lives inside your heart. You know that now you have to believe that. A little comfort will come when you can. Not acceptance just a little good though. It does really help. Take Care Ginny Godfrey

By Barbw on Sunday, January 25, 2004 - 03:47 pm: Edit

Our son, Michael, was riding a bicycle on Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2003 and was struck by a vehicle driven by a man who had been drinking all night, then worked all day. The man did not have a valid drivers license, was driving someone elses car and no insurance on the car. The hospital called my husband at home and when he called me at work I knew as soon as he told me Mike was at the hospital. I knew in my heart that Mike was already gone. All the way to the hospital I prayed that he was alive and could talk to us. When we got to the ER and they took us to that awful little room - I knew. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. As soon as the doctor came in I cried out " Please tell me he can talk to me." She said "I'm sorry, he's gone."
I remember putting my head beside my husbands' and just screaming "NO, NO,NO!!" I still can't believe this happened. Every day I get up and Mike is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about each night. He just can't be gone. My husband and I
both spoke with him around 9am that morning. The accident happened at 2:05p.m. I will never be able to get over this. We have been told it will get easier but I can't believe that. He has two sons, age 6 and 1 1/2. Sometimes it seems like it has been years since the crash and other times it seems like yesterday. I feel like I'm not really here anymore either. I feel like I left with him.

By Ginny Godfrey on Monday, January 26, 2004 - 10:54 am: Edit

Dear BarbW (Micheal's Mom)>>>>>> I am so sorry . My heart aches for your loss. I read your post and tears are now running down my face. It always seems to go back to the day it happens no reason just does. It seems to hurt more with time not less. People who say that are usally ones who have not suffered a loss so meaningful. They mean well , but you have to walk the walk to understand this. I still yell NO NO NO. And it's almost two years. Not my son, but a sister I loved with all my soul. I searched a long time for answers to this. The why? Not really getting far, just alot more heartache. I don't ask that anymore. It will not change what is. I try to find comfort in people who believe here at this site. And I do find it. Comfort beyond belief. That is the good thing. You come as often as you need to. Someone is always here to listen. It does help to cope some days. We are not alone in this. It just feels like we are. We are all here to help each other. That's the one good thing I find in her death. The people who love and care about each other. Very healing. We don't get over the so called (IT) We learn new ways to cope and manage the pain. Hopefully gaining the strength to carry on in thier names positively, keeping the light of love they gave to us ,when they were here on earth, and allowing it to grow. That is really all we can do. Sing loudly thier names and be proud for loving them. We have no shame in loving. Speak of them as often as we need they are not just a memory. They are a part of who we are today and always will be. I hope and pray this message will help you even a tiny bit. I will be praying for you. Micheal is a very lucky boy to have choosen you for his Mom. Let his love replace the dark within ,he can do it. It takes a very long time and a ton of work. A dear friend said to me once. I carry her with me closely now. Love to my Diane, She is now one of my special Angels. You will find them to. Take care. Ginny Godfrey

By Dolores Solon on Tuesday, January 27, 2004 - 11:42 am: Edit

Sorry I am taking so long this is my first time and have been reading the past messages and crying I relate to Yolanda's message/

By nicole guilliams on Monday, February 09, 2004 - 12:51 pm: Edit

My brother Ryan died today thirteen years ago from a hit and run accident. We don't know what happened to this day. I just wondered how other people who have lost a loved one but don't really know the circumstances, deal with it? I long to know what happened the night my brother died. I am angry enough at God that he died but then to keep the rest a mystery? It seems tortuous. I know by now that knowing would make no significant difference but there is always that thought in the back of my head 'what happened'??

By Connie Ledford on Wednesday, February 11, 2004 - 03:32 pm: Edit

Dear Ginny
I know how you feel.On June the 13th 2003 my world ended. My son Clinton was 26 years old. He was at my home having breakfast with his 2 children ,daddy and myself. We talked and played with the kids. He went out side to work and 5 min later my brother ran in to tell me my son was dead
I die every day i relive it every day. Some days i don't want to go on but i ask God to be with me every min of the day and that is how i get thru the days. I talk to his children when they need to talk they are 3&5 they know daddy is in heaven i took them to the grave and the baby kisses his picture on the head stone. find you a support group where you live and talk to people in this group. You will never get over it but with Gods help and friends we will get thru it. You are not alone believe me. hugs and prayers go to you may god bless and keep you
connie
ps. when people say get over it ask them if they have lost a child

By GINNY GODFREY on Thursday, February 12, 2004 - 12:12 am: Edit

DEAR CONNIE, YOU SPEAK FROM THE HEART, THE HEART THAT HAS LOVED, AND BEEN BLESSED TO HAVE SHARED SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL. NO WE NEVER EVER GET OVER (it)! WE JUST TRY TO GET THRU THE DAY AND THE LONG NITES. AND HOPEFULLY MAKE SOME MEANING OUT OF THEM AND US, AND THE WHY. THE WHY BECOMES OF NO IMPORTANCE IN TIME, THE WHAT IS TAKES OVER. I BELIEVE IT IS THE FULL CIRCLE OF LIFE. TO HAVE BEEN LOVED, TO BE LOVED STILL, AND TO SHARE THE LOVE, WITH OTHER'S. MONEY CAN'T BUY THAT . ONLY OUR LOVED ONES AND EACH OF US. WHAT A GIFT! I STILL MISS HER MORE EACH PASSING DAY! RELIVEING WHAT I NOW CALL GROUNDHOG DAY OVER AND OVER. I GO THE THE CEMETRY ALMOST EVERYDAY STILL I FIND A LITTLE PEACE AS I SEARCH FOR HER STILL BEYOND THE HILLS IN GOD'S SKY. I SEE THINGS, I CALL SIGNALS, BUT I DON'T SHARE WITH NON-BELIEVER'S ANYMORE. I NEED TO HANG UNTO WHATEVER WORKS FOR ME AT THE MOMENT. AND WHAT A DIFFERANCE A MOMENT CAN MAKE IN OUR LIVES. KISS THAT PICTURE KEEP HIM ALIVE IN YOUR HEARTS. LET HIS BABIES KNOW DADDY STILL LOVES THEM, ALWAYS WILL! LET HIM KNOW MOMMEY DOES TOO! I KNOW THE LIVE ON IN GOD'S HEART AND MINE. LOVE TO ALL AND PRAYERS FOR THE PEACE WITHIN. GINNY

By Jean W on Monday, February 23, 2004 - 10:32 pm: Edit

I am new here I have been reading what everyone has said.
I know how you feel Ginny I felt the same way when my 20 year old daughter died Mar. 30, 1983. For 2 years I withdrew from life and didn't care if I lived or died.
I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack just one month ago.
My other children told me to please not to get as bad as I did when daughter died.
Right now I just feel numb. I wish I could feel some pain. I feel like what is wrong with me don't I care that he is gone?
Am I just afraid to let go and grieve because I think I will hurt the kids? I don't like this feeling any better then I did when I was so deep in grief.
Any one have any suggestions? Anyone else ever feel this way?
Jean

By Judy on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 12:07 am: Edit

I have felt the same way as you. I think because you are numb that is why you don't feel the deep pain. I have felt what is wrong with me don't I care. You do care just don't over analize your feelings right now. It has been 4 months since my 22 yr old daughter died and it hurts more now then it did 3 months ago.

By Jean W on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 01:14 am: Edit

Judy,
When my daughter died I couldn't seem to stop the pain. It's been 20 years and I still have times when it hurts as bad as it did when it first happened.
Now that my husband has just died I have cried but I really feel no pain.
I am afraid I am holding it all in so I won't hurt the kids and know if this is what I'm doing I will explode one day.
You have my sympathies in the loss of your daughter.
I know how hard that is.

By Wesleys Mom on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 09:38 pm: Edit

Hello All,
I have been reading your posts because I too have suffered the shock of sudden loss. On June 25, 1999 my life changed forEVER. My 14 yr old son went on a sleepover at his best friend's house. He drowned. I've never posted this before, but at the same time that my son drowned, I was in the grocery store buying groceries for the coming week. I was talking to my 11 yr old daughter, walking down an aisle, when a searing pain ripped through my body. I gasped for breath and doubled over the handle of my cart. The pain faded quickly, and there was no tenderness, but I was stunned and felt weak. My daughter was alarmed, and worried, but I just finished up my shopping and went home. Once home, my husband was helping us put the groceries away when my little girl told Daddy about the odd thing I'd done in the grocery store. I told him it was odd and tried to explain to him what had happened when, "WHAM" it happened again! It passed away again, but this time I doubled over. My husband was truly alarmed and led me to the couch. I tried to explain the experience to him, but could only say, the pain was not in my stomach, chest, head or any specific place, and there was no tenderness anywhere. I found out later that the two times I experienced that searing pain were the exact times of 1)my son's initial drowning and 2) the time when he was briefly resuscitated in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I am a Christian woman who does not believe in the paranormal, but I believe those pains were my son's spirit being torn from my life. I can not explain it better than that, I just know that 40 mins later I received a phone call that rocked my world. "There's been an accident at the lake" "He spent some time under the water" "I'm sorry, we did everything we could" My boy was dead. DEAD. Gone from my life, and if I live to be 200 yrs old, I will miss that boy every day of my life and wish I had not lost him when I did, the way I did.
Peace to you all, and may you know I said a prayer for you just now.
Wesley's Momma
http://rememberwes.homestead.com/home.html

By Richies Mom on Saturday, March 27, 2004 - 04:46 am: Edit

((((((Wesley's Mom)))))
I am glad that you posted this message on what happened to you. I too had something happen to me the day my son died that I can't explain and always wondered too if it were part of me leaving with my son. I had gone to the bank during my lunch hour, and on the way out I walked right into the plate glass window thinking the sliding doors were open. I hit it so hard that I smashed my face, teeth and mouth into it. I almost passed out. I was stunned.The manager came to me and asked if I wanted to go sit. I told her I'd be alright and went back to work. I had felt foolish that I walked right into the pane.

When I got back to work and sitting at my desk, my teeth were still feeling somewhat numb. My office manager asked me if I wanted to go home or go to see a dentist, and I told her I'd be alright. I didn't want to take off as I had only been at my new job 4 weeks.

When I got home after work, a worse pain awaited me. I found my son dead on his bed. He died of congestive heart failure in his sleep. We thought he had just had a virus the last 3 weeks. I had asked the medical examiner if he could tell approximately what time my son had died, but he couldn't. I have always wondered if that was a sign that my son's soul was warning me. I feel so guilty that I didn't go home. Maybe if I had, he still would have been alive so I could have helped him. I'll always wonder if it was a warning for me to go home or my son's soul leaving at that moment.

By diane conmy on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 06:56 pm: Edit

I hope that you understand that your not to feel guilt over your son's death. Your walking into the window was probably the time that he left this earth, there would have been nothing for you to do to help him. If only, if only, plagues we parents when we lose our babies, if only I called Erica 5 monutes later perhaps it would have delayed her going out and the train would not have hit her...but we can do this until we are old and withered and our babies are still not here, and they would instead like us to live our lives to the most, they lo9ve us, no more hurt is what they want for us, so please let your heart free and live each day as gift as it is. Richie will smile on your day each day.
diane

By Richies Mom on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 07:20 pm: Edit

((((((Diane))))))
Thank you for your kind words.