From Satisfaction Magazine

Published 6/30/06

Same history, new marriage: Opposites don’t always attract

“It was the last thing I was thinking of,” recalls Anne D’Ambrosio, a 48-year-old operations manager, and widow, from Alpharetta, Ga. “We were both pretty content. Phil had his two kids and I became the team mom for my son’s soccer team. Neither of us was looking.”

Anne had lost her husband, Michael Guenther, to cancer in 1997. She was living in Connecticut with her son and began searching the Internet for a support group. She found groww.org, a Web site dedicated to grief recovery, where people shared their experiences. Phil D’Ambrosio, whose wife, Pam, had died in 1997, also had found his way to groww.org. He was online in search of support, not a new wife. “I had teenagers,” Phil, now 53, explains.

Anne and Phil began talking on the phone, their early conversations predominantly about grief and loss. “He helped me out with my son,” says Anne. Groww Inc. holds gatherings around the country, and Phil and Anne meet at one near her home. “We were already really good friends. I knew there was a possibility it was something more,” she explains, “but it all depended on the chemistry.”

According to studies, it wasn’t the chemistry but their similar marital histories that made them click. Hiromi Ono, assistant professor of sociology at Washington State University, found that people who remarry are twice as likely to find a partner with whom they are “homogamous”–divorced people marry divorced people, parents marry parents.

“It makes things easier; they both totally understand each other,” Ono explains. “A set of investments has been made in a previous marriage, which leads to continuing ties. They often may continue to have feelings for their previous ties.” But it isn’t just a similar marital history that brings people together, Ono says; it is similarities in general. Factors like age, education level, social bonds and lifestyle tend to promote solid unions.

Lifestyle and social circle brought together Debbie and Pete Geary, but they, too, shared a tragic marital past. Pete, a 51-year-old police sergeant in Broward County, Fla., had lost his wife, Denise, to breast cancer in 1990. Debbie’s husband, a patrol officer named Dave, had been killed in the line of duty when Debbie, now 45, was pregnant. Both Pete and Debbie, a registered nurse, were active in police organizations, and they met when Debbie attended a fund-raiser for Pete’s motorcycle unit. “Probably the loss of our spouses was one of the key things that brought us together. And our children,” Debbie explains. “We were very concerned about our children. We didn’t want them to suffer another loss.”

Debbie wasn’t looking for another husband in a high-risk job. Pete, aware of the reality behind her fears, takes extra steps to reassure her.

While it might be grief that brought each of these couples together, it is a desire to raise their family and honor their loved ones by living that keeps them together. Phil and Anne caution people about jumping into relationships, out of a fear of being alone.

Both couples acknowledge that their new lives haven’t always been easy. The holidays are always a bit rough, especially for the kids. “The first Thanksgiving we were all together, I asked everyone to tell a funny story about the person who had died,” Anne says. “Phil’s daughter got really upset. But we did it again for Christmas and it was good. It takes the edge off.” Pete once mistakenly signed a Christmas gift to his parents “From Pete and Denise” instead of “Debbie.” And Debbie has mistakenly called Pete Dave. “It was embarrassing, but we have been supportive.” she says.

Both couples say there is no jealousy, mostly because each spouse can understand what the other is going through.

–Stacey C. Rivera